glasssnail's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Homecoming Dance 2004 I miss Moy already. He went on a cruise and he won't be back for a whole week. :( I don't know what to say really because I have not been keeping my diary up very well.. I'm sorry. I'm being super bipolar right now. Absolutely horrible of me, when I really should be just very happy.... Well. I don't have to be. The dance was Saturday. It was a lot of fun, except for the part where Jesse asked me to marry him... Ummm... Well that's all sweet and dandy, but I'm not ready for marriage with anyone. Lets wait at least until I am out of high school, and better yet, college. Show me that you are a real man Jesse, and can support yourself as well as a wife if you needed to, and THEN I may marry you. Even then, feelings change. It was just horrible at that moment, when he asked that question, and my heart suddenly felt weighed down by a lock and chain. Holding back tears, I forced myself to stay close to his shoulder and not let him see my heart seemingly be crushed. Sitting on the bench outside in the senior court yard, the night that had previously felt cool with a touch of star, was now freezing and dark. How our minds can change our environments. Jesse eventually needed to use the washroom, and I ran to Moy and told him the whole story. I could believe how hard I cried. The idea of moving from a controlling father to a controlling husband absolutely does not appeal to me. The dance ended quickly after that. The worst part was after the dance Jesse and I had sex. Probably the best sex Jesse has ever had, since I was so fucking upset. Afterwards I just felt so dirty. But I loved the control. Ever since I have tried to be in control of my emotions. Which brings me to the problem at present. Jesse says that I'm acting like I don't love him. He can't tell while I'm at school, that we are a couple. Well fuck you Jesse! I am not comfortable holding hands in the halls let alone kissing and making out. And it's not that I don't want to kiss him... It's that there are other friends around and THEY feel uncomfortable. I don't want to mix my public and private life. And Jesse, you need to understand that. Sure, people do know that we are going out. We don't have to be constantly on top of eachother. And Jesse, don't fucking lean on me. In the halls. I've gone nearly 2 years with out anyone really touching me in the halls, I can't just be changed from the independent person I became in an instant. Please. Just let me be a little. I need my space. The play is going pretty well... Sort of. No. It's not. We really haven't been able to get through the entire thing. And that is not good at all. I am still working on being off book. I am, but I'm not off book. College applications are due Monday for my school. So that's what I'm doing all weekend. Going to Six Flags, then reading and applications. Oh... And chorus concert. I'm excited about that, sort of. My first chorus concert. My voice really has grown since the beginning of the year. I'm so glad that I've been able to work with Mrs. Casey and Mrs. Gomez both. They've been beyond helpful. I'm working on doing a 200 cal a day diet for the next 2 weeks. I just need to lose some water weight and maybe a little ACTUAL weight. 11:01 p.m. - October 15, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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